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Letting go. Its probably the one inevitable task of life that I am worst at. Some would call it my hill to die on. I call it practically impossible.

There is something about the motion of life, the coming and going of people and circumstances that makes letting go so necessary. Yet, when it comes to people in particular, I cannot seem to master the art of letting go. This is, in part, the reason that I tend to shy away from attachment if at all possible. My limited attachments are more or less... for better or worse... permanent. I understand the necessity and feel the strain of intimacies that have run their course. But I just cant seem to relay the message of moving on to my heart... at least not entirely.

Why? I think its a combination of many things. One is the notion that if I keep a piece of someone I care about in my heart, if I hold that part of them with me, they will somehow remain safe. Whether they are in a different state or a different country, their place in me makes me feel as though they cannot be lost. I think another is my own desire to be held onto. Perhaps I havent lived long enough to have any true wisdom about this life, but from what I can make of it, the only thing we have that really matters is each other. If I have made no difference to the people I love, if I myself am easy to let go of, then what have I really done? So maybe I hold onto people in the way I hope they will hold onto me. The way I feel everyone deserves to be held onto.

Its these thoughts and feelings intermingled with the faces of those that have come and gone... some who have walked away, some whose lives have taken them away, and some who are gone forever that make me really terrible at letting go. And Im not sure what to make of that. Maybe as you grow older it grows easier. Maybe it never gets easier... maybe thats ok. For me, thats ok.